Since we are coming close to the new year, everyone always reflects on the good and bad that has happened to them over the past 12 months.
My friend and I were talking this morning about how long we've been known each other. We met while both starting NutriSystem last November. It is now 13 months later and we are both in fact, heavier than we were last year. I'm just speaking for myself, but after NutriSystem I did Weight Watchers, then counted calories, then back on Weight Watchers.. and I've GAINED. Do you know how much of a difference I could have made in a YEAR!? I could've completely transformed my body for the better. And the opposite happened. That really, really upsets me.
This is probably the worst I've felt in a while.. physically and mentally.
I'm gonna be brutally honest about why I have such a lack of willpower and why food gives me such anxiety…
In high school I was always super skinny. Never had an issue with watching what I ate. Then I started taking birth control and it completely changed my body. I gained 20 pounds in a year. When I went off to college, I got self conscious about my body and decided I wanted to lose weight. I stopped taking the pill, started swimming in the school gym, and joined Weight Watchers for the first time with one of my roommates. The weight fell off and I loved it. I started getting competitive with the WW, and thought if I ate under my recommended points value for the day that I would lose even faster. I don't know what happened, but something in my brain just snapped. I never wanted to eat anymore. I couldn't swallow food if I wanted to.. not even a piece of celery. I had no appetite ever. It scared me, and I didn't know how to turn it around.
Basically, I'm still afraid that if I diet, and really try, that I will get into that mindset again. I've felt this way for years. I never want to feel that way again. So I tell myself I will diet and if I want to eat something, then eat it. But giving in to myself every time I want something = a weight gain. Because lets face it, usually I want something I shouldn't have, at least once a day. I'm not really sure if I should go back to therapy to discuss this, or try on my own again. All I know is that with the new year just days away, along with everyone else, I would love a fresh start.
I was basically anorexic as a teenager. I stopped liking food and when I did eat I felt sick. I never want to go back to that either. I like to like food! Maybe that's why I'm enjoying my new plan, it's so different than things I've tried before. I get to eat stuff that's been pounded into my head that is "bad" for me. We will see if I can make any progress, but at least we will have each other every step of the way. :) xoxo
ReplyDelete